My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
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5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
You can’t outrun your problems…
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.