[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
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Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison