I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
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Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
<- sleeps well with others
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Tremendous stuff
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Bond. Trauma bond.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask