[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
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*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
only 11 steps left
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.