So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
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I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*