Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
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me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip