My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
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I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
i meant to share this earlier
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview