What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
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running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”