One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
You Might Also Like
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people