[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
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According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Banana is the quietest snack
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging