My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
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I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog