If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
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Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
The glockness monster
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant