The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
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One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.