Life hack
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(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.