i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
You Might Also Like
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.