My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
You Might Also Like
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
That 👊
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.