My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
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I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood