We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
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Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Noah
monday
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…