Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
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I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Kids, do not try this at home!
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil