[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
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Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
The photographer’s assistant
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all