If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
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I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.