Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
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My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Nothing to do, you say?
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…