Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
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CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”