[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
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The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Phonetics
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head