If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
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Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
huge valentines day plans this year!!
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.