When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
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Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
#Caturday
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer