My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
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Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Okey dokey.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Plant care tips
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.