if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
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I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
What?
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible