In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
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I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now