Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
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Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.