Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
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(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?