I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
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Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine