[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
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At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
best first i’ve ever seen
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.