wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
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Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water