My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
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I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off