Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
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My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Finished stitching this today 😇
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed