I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
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Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.