[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
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This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
i love meeting boys on tinder
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us