the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
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I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
This came to me in a dream.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
What
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager