My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
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Being rude underwater is snarkeling
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Does beer think about me too?
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.