The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
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Acronyms got me like WTF?
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE