“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
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[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Cat is stressing him out.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
forgive me baja for i have blast
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)