olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
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Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.