My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
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My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW