Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
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So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
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I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Why are bridges so flammable.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?