I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
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Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it