My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
You Might Also Like
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.