I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
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[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
How do you milk an almond?
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-