TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
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Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Weirdos gonna weird.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.