Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
You Might Also Like
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
i think both sides are to blame here
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Brands during Pride
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
I need a headline like this
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale